Gay Men - Married But Gay

Editor's Note: This is a true experience story from one of our readers. It is partly about self-discovery, partly about self-acceptance and partly about hope for the future. I have placed this story in the "coming out" section of the site because all of those are parts of any coming out process.

I hope you will pass a link to this page to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, especially gay or bisexual men in their "mature" years.

This came to me as an email letter, initially in response to one of the erotic fiction pieces that I have published on the Nifty archive. I leave it unedited.

Greg, this story has definitely touched a nerve with me. First, it is very well-written. As a literary editor, I find myself checking such details as I read, and I also serve as an editor/proof reader for a number writers on the Nifty site. Second, it brings back memories of my own personal experiences with teen friends so many years ago - I am now well-beyond those years, but I never came out. Instead, I remained in the closet until June 2010, this year. I had three years earlier been forced to come out to her when she found an email that I had not remembered printing out. For the past three years I have been in pastoral counseling, primarily at the insistence of my wife, which proved to be a blessing for me, though she thought that the counselor would "cure" me. I am, or was, a church musician - organist, pianist, director - depending on the need. She also thinks that I only have to ask God to change me, and He will. Hell, I've been asking Him to do that since age 12. I'm now 73, though friends and acquaintances say I look and act more like 55. I'm blessed with good health and lots of energy, and a strong sex drive. It just couldn't get channeled to sex with my wife. After 3 years of counseling, I finally decided that the time had come: I either had to come out, or spend my remaining years, however long that might be, as a very miserable man. Therefore, I came out to my pastor on June 4, but learned that my wife had told him a year earlier, and that he had been observing me to see if I did anything "wrong." I had considered him a dear friend, and was even responsible for the position he now holds, having recommended him for the position through my position on the pulpit selection committee. Anyway, he said that my last Sunday would be June 6; I had earlier told him that I was resigning on June 30, but he wouldn't accept that now; he wanted me out before the church learned of the fact. However, who would know, unless he told them? But no matter, I decided it was now or never. I told my wife that I was filing for divorce, which took her by surprise, but she shouldn't have been. I have 3 adult children, and 8 grandchildren, and the youngest child - daughter, and her husband, along with my wife, "ganged up" on me the following Monday, telling me that I had a wrong choice, and should either repent or go to hell. Meanwhile, over the 3-year period, I have gathered a pretty good library of books about Christianity and homosexuality, so I made an effort to refute their claims. But it's difficult to get through years of wrong thinking and information, so I just made my plans to move out, and live with a friend who knew of my orientation (he's gay, but single, and we are not attracted to each other), and offered me a place to live until I could make other plans, or until the divorce is final.

During my counseling, I have often expressed my concern at ever having the opportunity to find a life partner because of my age, though my counselor has repeatedly dismissed my concern. Since 2005, I have been frequenting gay literary sites, and gradually learned of porn sites, and learned more than I ever knew about male2male sex. Also, after volunteering to help several writers with the literary portion of their stories, I have also learned a great deal. I have known for most of my life that I really desire a male partner, but having grown up in the south, in a Southern Baptist atmosphere - a most homophobic group - I knew that it was not possible, unless I wanted to be shunned forever, or worse, to live any sort of life short of marriage, kids, etc., and I have done that. I have 4 graduate degrees in various fields, I have provided for my wife and 3 children, and now help with grandchildren, but I have never loved anyone like I love a young man, age 32, whom I met through editing one of the stories for a friend. I am still reeling with the loss of his love and planned partnership, when he decided to move in with a high school friend from 15 years ago, who said he loved him, and had returned for him, giving little explanation for a 15-year absence. But that's another matter with which I am now dealing. Meanwhile, a friend in Florida, knowing of my situation and frustration, directed me to a site called SilverDaddies.com. Hesitantly, I visited the site, and was amazed at the response I have received! My roommate says I am like a kid in a candy shop, and he's probably right, LOL! Already, I have met some great guys who are interested in older men, some closer to my age, but most are much younger. I met a guy last week, who lives in an area in which I had served as a church musician years ago, and we were instantly attracted to each other, so much so, that he invited me to visit him the next day and spend the night. Acting spontaneously, I did just that, and now I'm waiting to see if we will have a continuing relationship. He is age 35, but just lost his 73-yo partner of 3 years back in March. He is now getting back into the dating scene. The 24 hours with him was wonderful, and I'm holding my breath, so to speak, hoping that this will lead to a relationship with him for the rest of my life, however long that may be. I suppose I'm blessed with good genes, which contribute to more youthful looks, and energy, plus a gift from God with good health.

I never expected to be even this happy, especially at this stage of my life, but I'm hoping and praying that I will find, and perhaps have found, true love at last. Friends say I should have done this years ago, but to do so would have meant the loss of career and income, and I would not have been able to provide for my family. Still, I could have done this in 2004, when I retired from my literary position, to return to the local church music ministry. Yet, I remained in the closet, until my wife forced me out of the closet. In hindsight, though it is still very difficult to think of facing life with the loss of family and friend, I probably should have taken action much sooner. Regardless, I am now facing divorce, and all that entails, but excited about the possibility of a new life with a loving male partner.

Married Man Is Gay